So, the truth is this past week, week 20, has been the hardest. I mentioned previously that the past 19 weeks have been fairly easy emotionally. I mean morning sickness was no fun, but I sailed through for the most part. Exercise has been key for me maintaining a good mental state (I ran 3 Half Marathons prior to getting pregnant) and have been walking/running 2-3 miles a day, every day of pregnancy. Then for some reason the mental milestone of hitting 20 weeks has hit like a brick. Several reasons: Home monitoring by Kaiser started (someone calls me to check in on my BP every week now). I am supposed to check my urine for protein daily. And then this week we have an important ultrasound to check blood flow to the placenta. And then of course in the words of my Ob Gyn, "Weeks 12-20 are coasting." In other words, pre-e doesn't happen by definition prior to 20 weeks so there was no cause for worry. I know what she meant but I sure wish we were still in coasting period! I mentioned earlier the monitoring is vital, but it has gotten to be too much at times.
So all of this culminated last week. In 37 years I have had plenty of stress at one time or another, and certainly lots of nervousness while Liam was in the NICU for 76 days or when I've done public speaking. But anxiety is a different beast, the likes of which I can't compare to anything previously. It's irrational, and it grips you at different points. A good friend told me "just relax. breathe." I wish I could explain that it is not that easy. I can only liken it to this: Imagine you almost drowned in a pool. Later you come back to the pool, you have a life preserver, you have people around to help you out, maybe you even know how to swim now?....regardless, you will experience a certain amount of anxiety being back in that situation. And for those that haven't been in that situation, you don't understand the complex physiological reaction triggering anxiety that makes it harder to brush off than just having someone tell you "relax". And of course the real shitter with anxiety is that it makes BP go up, so when I check it and it is up it only makes things worse.
I've been using these strategies: Did yoga one night last week - great. Got a facial and pregnancy bath at a wonderful local spa over the weekend. (I'm convinced if I could live at Burke Williams the next 4 months I'd deliver a healthy 9-pounder no problem!) Trying to repeat positive affirmations when I am out walking/running. Going to speak to a counselor at a local birth center this week. Lots of deep breathing when the "what-ifs" start. Praying. And while in 37 years I have never had a mental health issue requiring professional help, I do plan to discuss it with my doctor this week, and consider all options. Gotta do what I gotta do and know when to get help.
So there you go! Being honest and hoping my words someday help someone else in this situation. And on a fun note, this is my 4 year old and a hint of my baby bump in the corner!
So all of this culminated last week. In 37 years I have had plenty of stress at one time or another, and certainly lots of nervousness while Liam was in the NICU for 76 days or when I've done public speaking. But anxiety is a different beast, the likes of which I can't compare to anything previously. It's irrational, and it grips you at different points. A good friend told me "just relax. breathe." I wish I could explain that it is not that easy. I can only liken it to this: Imagine you almost drowned in a pool. Later you come back to the pool, you have a life preserver, you have people around to help you out, maybe you even know how to swim now?....regardless, you will experience a certain amount of anxiety being back in that situation. And for those that haven't been in that situation, you don't understand the complex physiological reaction triggering anxiety that makes it harder to brush off than just having someone tell you "relax". And of course the real shitter with anxiety is that it makes BP go up, so when I check it and it is up it only makes things worse.
I've been using these strategies: Did yoga one night last week - great. Got a facial and pregnancy bath at a wonderful local spa over the weekend. (I'm convinced if I could live at Burke Williams the next 4 months I'd deliver a healthy 9-pounder no problem!) Trying to repeat positive affirmations when I am out walking/running. Going to speak to a counselor at a local birth center this week. Lots of deep breathing when the "what-ifs" start. Praying. And while in 37 years I have never had a mental health issue requiring professional help, I do plan to discuss it with my doctor this week, and consider all options. Gotta do what I gotta do and know when to get help.
So there you go! Being honest and hoping my words someday help someone else in this situation. And on a fun note, this is my 4 year old and a hint of my baby bump in the corner!
I think you are a total rock star! I have anxiety just imagining being pregnant, so I know it must be hard for you right now. Good for you for being so proactive and on top of things. I love the pic of Liam & baby, btw!:)
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